Helicopter parenting | Why we need to let kids be kids

Remember how fun it was to be a kid and climb trees, ride your bike and explore your neighbourhood with your friends? You’d come home with scraped knees and dirty clothes, but you didn’t care and neither did your parents.

Today, many parents are anxious about letting their kids be kids. Read on to hear from an expert psychologist about how helicopter parenting does more harm than good and why risk and adventure are essential for your child’s development.

What does ‘Letting kids be kids’ mean?

This phrase has a few meanings, but we’re talking about letting kids take risks and have new, exciting, adventurous experiences.

Letting kids engage in risky behaviour means allowing activities that involve uncertainty, challenges and possible harm. New research has found that even though most parents recognise the benefits of risk-taking for their children, many are conflicted and still don’t allow their children to play adventurously.

What is helicopter parenting?

Helicopter parenting is an over-protective form of raising kids where parents hover over their children, trying to protect them from failure, difficulties and injuries.

Nobody wants to be a helicopter parent, but it’s natural to want to protect our kids. Finding balance is the key. Kids need challenges, adventure, uncertainty and risk to become capable adults. They learn from their attempts and mistakes. If we focus too much on keeping them safe, we can limit the very experiences they need to learn how to deal with everyday life.

Parental anxiety is holding kids back.

We spoke with Deirdre Brandner, an experienced child psychologist, media commentator and author, who says parental anxiety prevents children from engaging in necessary activities for healthy emotional and social growth.

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Why is taking risks important for kids?

Taking risks helps children build resilience and develop judgement. Children learn from having small accidents. They learn to fall safely and recover. Growing up in a risk-averse society means children cannot practice risk-assessment, which enables them to match their skills with the demands of the environment. As a result, many children have become very timid and are reluctant to take risks at all.

Why are parents so worried about their kids taking risks?

There has been an increase in parent anxiety, a gripping fear that something will ‘happen’ to their children. Because of this, parents are unable to allow their children to engage in necessary activities. Instead of seeing the fun, we are becoming conditioned to only seeing what can go wrong.

These fears are increasing the incidence of anxiety in children and inhibiting our children from taking appropriate risks. As parents, we can be unaware of the subtle cues we give our children that tell them we are scared. Children pick up on this and avoid appropriate activities.

What activities should children engage in for healthy social and emotional growth?

Activities that involve thrilling, physically challenging activities like climbing, jumping, balancing, rough-and-tumble play, and hiding or being out of sight of Mum and Dad.

How can parents balance encouraging their kids to take risks and protecting them from injuries?

Remember a risk can be negotiated, it is different to a hazard which is dangerous. Teach your child to identify the difference.

Ten tips for parents who want to let their kids be kids, but are unsure how to do it.

Deirdre shared these ideas to help you encourage appropriate risk-taking in your kids.

1. Use common sense to provide age and ability-appropriate time and space for adventurous play.
2. For toddlers, adventurous play might include balancing on large, low rocks or running freely in a big field.
3. Pre-schoolers might find it exciting to climb a tree or build with real wood, a hammer and nails.
4. Older children may enjoy the freedom to explore greater heights and speeds.
5. Do not push children beyond their comfort. Follow their lead.
6. Outdoor play in natural settings in a variety of weather conditions is essential. Natural settings are perfect for mixed age groups because there is always something for every age and ability.
7. Provide guidance: Talk about danger. Talk about risk.
8. Ask questions to prompt reflection, like ‘How did that feel?’ ‘What helped you decide?’ ‘How will you…?’
9. Count to before inserting yourself.
10. Supervise but…get out of the way!

Families letting their kids be kids.

Letting kids be kids can be challenging as we struggle with fears, doubts and guilt. On the other hand, seeing your kids grow, learn and enjoy life can be really rewarding. Here are some stories from families who feel they’ve got the balance right.

Rikke believes accidents are part of childhood.

Rikke has five kids, aged between 11 and 20. She can remember lots of times when kids being kids led to minor injuries. She sees little accidents as an inevitable part of growing up rather than something to worry about or be prevented.

Kiddie pool chaos.

The first memory that springs to mind involves their kiddie pool. ‘The boys would always run around in a circle in it. But it was quite slippery, and once, they ran too fast, or it got too wild, and Rune slipped and fell and cracked his head open,’ she remembers. ‘It wasn’t too bad, and he got glued back together, and that was it.’ She thinks they were probably more careful after that, but she didn’t change any rules.  

Scooter slip-ups.

Rikke recalls another incident where poor Rune had to be glued back together again. ‘He liked to ride his scooter to school, and he turned a corner too fast, and somehow managed to split his eyebrow with the scooter handle,’ she says. He still rode his scooter to school, and there weren’t any other mishaps.

Trampoline teeth troubles.

Another time, Rikke’s daughter Maeve collided with a friend on a trampoline and she lost her two front baby teeth. ‘We all know that you aren’t supposed to have ten kids on one trampoline, but we have never followed that rule. Not after the teeth came out either,’ she says. ‘Maeve just spat them out in my hand, had an ice block and went back on the trampoline.’

Accidents happen.

Rikke didn't adjust the rules after all these incidents, because she felt that new, restrictive rules would have been unlikely to have been diligently implemented or followed. ‘The accidents were minor, and accidents happen. It is part of life and childhood,’ says Rikke. ‘Because who wants to be on a trampoline alone? Why walk to school if you have a cool scooter? And if you have brothers and water, why not play in it?’

Jo’s family work their way up.

Jo has three kids and has taught them to judge risk by starting small and moving onto more challenging situations as their skills and experience grow.

Keeping them safe on the roads.

‘I always felt like I had to be comfortable waving them off to ride to school on their own before I could happily wave them off in their first car,’ says Jo. ‘So that starts when they’re really young. Walking while they ride a balance bike and talking about the traffic. Riding together and learning how to navigate a busy intersection safely. Watching them build their skills and awareness, and then letting them go off alone. Now my eldest is a learner driver, I can absolutely see the value in those early road safety lessons.’

Keeping them safe around water.

The same gradual approach worked for Jo with water safety. ‘We live next to a creek and it gets hectic after heavy rain. I wanted the kids to be free to explore and play in their beautiful natural surroundings, but to understand the hazards,’ she says. ‘When they were small, I held their hands as they walked across the rocks. We’d throw sticks in when it was flooded to see the power of the water. They all learned to swim pretty young. My son still hangs out at the creek with his friends. They like to push the limits with adventurous activities like canoeing, but they’ll do it with helmets and lifejackets because they understand the risks. Sometimes they come home with scrapes and bumps, but they always come home with grins and great memories.’

Blake stays within his limits.

Fifteen year old Blake likes having adventures and assessing his own risks. ‘I’m happy my parents let me make my own decisions,’ he says. ‘Sometimes they’ll tell me not to go into drains after rain or stay out of the rockpools when the swell is too big but as long as it’s not too dangerous I am allowed to do most things I want to do.’

Building up gradually helps Blake find his limits. ‘I’m usually pretty careful when I start doing something and then work my way up as I get better at it,’ Blake shares. ‘In COVID, we started skateboarding which helped pass the long lockdowns. One of my friends broke his wrist, but it doesn’t stop you from doing fun stuff. I just always try to keep within my limits because I don’t want to get injured and have to miss sport.’

‘When you surf, every wave is different so you’re constantly making decisions. I judge what’s safe by watching what other people are doing and not rushing into anything,’ says Blake. ‘I’ve learned to look for the signs the ocean gives you, like in big swells, the waves will break on the rocks on the point first, so you have time to change your position and not get smashed by a big wave. My parents used to push me onto small waves and taught me about rips and to respect the ocean. Now they let me go out the back without them because they trust me to make good decisions.’

What adventures will your kids have?

We hope our expert advice and family stories have inspired you to let your kids be kids. The benefits of participating in adventurous activities will stay with them for life.

Need more activity inspo? Check out our other blogs for family activity ideas or tips for getting kids off screens and out there enjoying life’s best moments.